Five S's of Sex

       It's difficult to do a retreat on intimacy without paying at least some attention to the topic of sexuality.  In our conversation on Saturday, we defined sex as an energy of connection, something much bigger, and perhaps more ambiguous, than any particular activity.  Sexuality involves lots of activities, of course, as well as elements that are less tangible.  We discussed Five S's of healthy sexuality – and it was a bit of stretch to make them all S's.

       Caution:  Please don't turn these S's into one more list of things you have to do to be successful at sex.  Let this be a gentle guide.  Sometimes you'll experience some of these things, sometimes none of them, occasionally all of them.

Safety.  Safety is fundamental.  It means being at peace with ourselves and our bodies – how they look and how they function.  It invites us to let go of those impossible models of perfection we can bludgeon ourselves with.  It means listening to ourselves, accepting ourselves, trusting ourselves.  And, of course, trusting the other and our relationship with him/her.  For example, commitment between partners helps a lot here.

Sensuality.  Taking time to savor the experience - with all our senses alive to various tastes, touches, aromas, sounds and sights.  No hurry, no destination, staying present to pleasure, stretching our capacity for enjoyment.  For example, we can experiment with the most delicate of touches or experience the deep comfort of a melting hug.

Seeing and Being Seen.  Here we allude to the quality of connection between partners – an openness to knowing and being known, to learning about each other, staying curious, approaching each other with fresh eyes, open to surprise and new discovery.  Friendship is the best and most enduring aphrodisiac.  Eyes-open sex is one example of this kind of connection.

Silliness.  A light-heartedness with each other, a playful spirit of adventure, an easy humor sometimes expressed in tender, gentle smiles and sometimes with rolling, laughing, heaving bellies.  Sometimes, humor is triggered by the inevitable clumsiness and imperfection we feel at times.  Playfulness can't be commanded.  It comes upon us naturally, following its own rhythms, often in response to the first three S's.  No need to search for it.  Just make room for it.  It will find you.

Sacred.  Here we have the sense that something's happening that's much bigger than the people involved.  The union of two humans can lead to a larger sense of union and transcendence.  It can lead us to God.  Eastern traditions, with teachings about Tantra, emphasize the spiritual nature of sexuality.  What if loving acts between humans contributes to an expanding universe of LOVE?  What if we make LOVE when we make love?

       When I think about it, human sexuality is a grand and goofy gift – a weird and wonderful part of a vibrant, abundant relational economy.  It's so unique for each person and each relationship.  We are invited to accept and appreciate its uniqueness, and our own – even as it leads us to oneness.

       Enjoy!

Imaginary Relationships

       Ever catch yourself having an imaginary conversation with someone?  Maybe, you're rehearsing.  Maybe, just daydreaming.

       To some extent, every relationship – especially every relationship in its early stages – is an imaginary one.  We carry in our imaginations a picture of each other, a story we create – a story that is sparse, sometimes, on actual experience of each other and heavy on projection from within ourselves.  For example, the story I carry about you may say more about me, my desires or my fears, than it does about you.

       While I'm not likely to stop creating stories about you, I can try not to get too attached to them.  I can keep my feet on the ground and my eyes, ears and heart engaged with you – ready to experience you as you are, ready to discard or revise my story as you unfold in the reality of the moment. 

        Imagination is a wonderful gift.  It brings beauty to life.  Getting to know someone means getting real.  That's beautiful, too.

Love's Surprise

Looking for an opportunity to heal?

Try having an intimate relationship.

Rest assured –

It will unearth any wound you have.

Disconcerting?  Perhaps.

  Has something gone awry?

 Have you made a big mistake?

 Is this some cruel joke?

Not to worry. 

Just relationship doing its thing: 

Inviting us to face ourselves,

Inviting us to grow.

Maybe not what we signed up for,

But richer in the end. 

Unexpected bounty -

Love's surprise.

Two Truths

Nothing's perfect.

Everything's perfect.

Both truths humble.

Both give comfort.

Sometimes I forget one.

Sometimes, the other.

Hold both.

Remember as needed.

 Love's  Economy

When I give freely, I have.

When I give with expectation, I have not.

When I receive freely, I have.

When I receive with obligation, I have not.

When I assume responsibility

For what I give and what I receive,

I am at peace.

When, in scare-city, I try to control

What you give and how you receive,

I suffer.

When I see you clearly,

I give skillfully.

When I see only me,

I give rarely.

When giving and receiving abound,

When giving and receiving are one,

Love's economy booms.

 Lovers Love

       As I think about paths to love, what first comes to mind is that familiar experience where we feel moved by the beauty of the beloved and a tender glow naturally flows.  We experience love in these moments as a spontaneous, effortless reaction to the lovability of someone out there.  I enjoy this path.  It appeals to the romantic in me, the sensitive guy who tears up at movies.

       Another approach to love starts, not so much with lovability out there, but "love-ability" in here.  We connect with the inner lover and make a conscious decision to engage life from that presence.  Deliberately exercising our love-muscles, we cultivate habits of love – seeing with intimate eyes, responding with tenderness and care to ourselves, to our beloved, and to all beings. 

       This path is a doing of love that springs from a being of love.  Sometimes, this doing is energized by feelings of love.  Often, doing love leads to the feeling of love.  And, occasionally, following this path is like an exhausted warrior quietly, without reward, doing her duty.

       Feelings of love, like all feelings, come and go.  Sometimes silent, sometimes vibrant, the inner lover is always there.

       Writers write, even when they don't feel like it. 

       Lovers love.

Six Pronouns

Entering relationship means entering the realm of mystery.  We are mysterious, paradoxical beings - mysterious to ourselves, at times, and mysterious, for sure, to each other.  Part of the paradox is that, at the core of our nature, we are unique (but not separate) and one (but not the same). 

From my vantage point on intimate relationship, it's possible that all of the following statements are true:  We are one.  We are two.  We are three. 

Reflecting this notion is a short poem I wrote a dozen years ago.

Trinitarian Addition

Two-ness

In Oneness

And Oneness

In Two-ness

Make Three-ness

In Oneness

In Tunas

And Everything Else.

After putting out the recent wisdom, Three Pronouns of Relationship, I received feedback from a couple of you (thank you Cyndi and Betsy) emphasizing the cosmic nature of relationship.  As I opened more deeply during a recent meditation to that level of reality, the thought came:  how about six pronouns?  – i, you, we, I, YOU, WE. 

The lower case pronouns refer to that psychological level of reality, where we encounter uniqueness and human goofiness.  Gary Zukav calls this the "level of personality".  The capital letters refer to the cosmic or spiritual level of reality, where all is one and all is love – the "level of soul".  We relate to each other at both levels.  One of them, however, is more complicated than the other.

As I think about the Softening to Love retreat I'm offering later this spring, I'm excited to explore balance and integration in these levels of relationship – the psychological and the spiritual.  I also look forward to building balance into the three main activities of the retreat - conversation, guided experience and quiet reflection.   

Please check out the updated description of the retreat at my website:  www.softeningtolove.com   As always, your feedback is much appreciated.

Who knows, as pronouns proliferate, maybe next week there'll be nine.

   Sunshine Blessing

May sunshine

Warm your heart.

May your heart

Warm the sunshine.

Sun shines.

So do you.

One Light.

Three Pronouns of Relationship

       This week, as I think about the spring retreat and as I live in my own relational world as a betrothed man, I've been playing with an old idea that there are three entities in every close relationship that need attention, protection, nourishment and care: the two who are in relationship and the relationship itself.  Each intimate connection has unique requirements – distinct (but not completely separate) from the individuals involved.

       For example, imagine it's an autumn Sunday evening in a marriage that's drifting apart.  John and Marcia have just spent most of the weekend, each doing their own thing.  John heads downstairs with a beer to catch Sunday night football on the big screen in the den.  Marcia cozies up in the bedroom to watch Sex and the City reruns.  Each is moving toward what they desire in the moment.  In some relationships, that could be a lovely win-win scenario.  In a malnourished relationship, however, it may not be the wisest choice.

       What strikes me here, in a new way, is that I am not one-half of a relationship, I am one-third.  This gives pause – and raises questions:

       What if the old standard of fairness (50-50) is a bit greedy and short-sighted?  What if my half is only a third?

       What if it's not enough to nurture me and nurture you?  I have a hard enough time listening to myself and listening to you.  How do I listen to the relationship?

       Three important pronouns:  I, You, We.  How do I honor all three in a balanced way?  Or, better yet, how do we, as a relational team, work together to care for ourselves, each other, and that nebulous entity between us?

Two Tasks of Relationship

        Two tasks of relationship are showing up and letting go.  Both actions are loving and respectful things to do.  Neither is easy.

        Showing up is an act of engagement.  You show up when you move toward someone in a way that authentically reveals who you are.  You speak from your heart and mind with the intention of revealing yourself, not to manipulate or make something happen.  A second way to show up is to listen without judgment, to respectfully enter the world of the other person in a way that appreciates its uniqueness, and to respond in way that conveys your acceptance and understanding.

        While showing up involves doing, letting go means not doing; it is an act of disengagement.  Sometimes, this is misused as a tactic to signal the other that you’re not happy and you want him/her to shape up.  The letting go that fosters relationship comes from an acknowledgment of differences, a willingness to live with what is, versus pushing for what ought to be.  You can agree to disagree, without erecting barriers and closing your hearts to each other.

        Two simple concepts:  Showing up and letting go – a rhythm, a mix, a balance.  Simple, but not easy.