Quetico Reminders

       Central to my cosmology is the belief that we live in an intelligent, alive, loving universe, from which we are inseparable.  It's a universe that continually converses with us, communicating in many ways and listening – a responsive universe that invites connection.  It is neither capricious nor indifferent.  Nor is it a servant for us to command.  It's a friend and a partner.  In this relationship, influence is mutual.

       I teach this belief.  I hold it deeply.  I forget it frequently.

       I spent most of last week with three delightful traveling companions in the Quetico, a Canadian wilderness area where the primary modes of transportation are paddling and portaging – an ideal place for remembering and reconnecting.

      An unusual stillness, very little breeze, characterized our first two days - gorgeous days – mild temperatures, azure sky with puffy white clouds - great days for canoeing.  We found a spectacular campsite on Emerald Lake, whose crystal-green water reflected its name.

       For most of the third day, it rained – a good day for extra sleep and quiet time in the tent.  That morning, I made several attempts to meditate.  A restlessness, bordering on unease, dominated my inner landscape, preventing anything that felt remotely like meditation.  Hoping to re-orient with myself, I put pen to paper, journaling about mission and purpose. 

       Shortly into that exercise, I had one of those wonderful gift experiences where everything goes quiet, where the universe seems to say "hello" without making a sound.  As I write now, I imagine the quiet center of my being and the quiet center of all being coming together in a way that slips through ordinary separation consciousness.  The experience felt natural and familiar, something I can invite and make room for, but never control.

       After a while, I emerged from my tent (which, thanks to the graciousness of my companions, was pitched high above the site on what we called the penthouse pad) and moved slowly down to the campfire area, which itself was a good ten feet above the water on a sloping rock face.  My meditative state was startled by the sight of a huge snapping turtle, which had somehow made its way up the rock.  I called immediately for others to witness this awesome scene. 

       The turtle (a mom, we suspect, intending to lay eggs) began digging in a little patch of dirt on the rock, seemingly oblivious to our presence, our clicking cameras, our gentle touching of her shell.  Eventually, after nearly half an hour, she gave up the dig.  Dirt was shallow in the spot she'd selected, and we, I suspect, were becoming a bit of a nuisance.  She ambled down the rock, tumbled the last few feet into Emerald Lake, and swam away.  

       Later, after mid-afternoon naps, Kirk and I decided to go fishing in the rain.  So far, brief attempts at angling had been a bust.  Our Canadian license allowed us to keep only one bass apiece, and it could be no bigger than 13.8 inches.  Within an hour or so, we'd each caught one, just within the maximum size.  Since our meal for the night turned out mostly inedible, having fish to supplement was, indeed, a blessing. 

       Earlier in the trip, the group had decided to spend a third night at our Emerald site and to paddle the entire way back to the car (some 18 miles) on the next day – an ambitious feat, which would require favorable conditions.  Around bedtime that last night, wind (absent most of the trip) started blowing, strong from the west – the direction we'd be heading into in the morning.

       I woke a couple times during the night, aware each time of the wind still blowing strong.  In the north country, west winds like that can go on for days without letup.  Waking once more shortly after sunrise, with no change in conditions, I chatted with the universe, asking its help.  I wasn't fearful or hopeful or insistent in the least, not expecting anything.  I just asked and let go - total time, 5 seconds.  

       Twenty minutes later, the wind calmed and stayed that way until late afternoon, when we turned southwest for the last 7 or 8 miles of paddling.  Just then, a big wind picked up again.  This time it was from the northeast - a tail wind.  It pushed a tired crew the rest of the way home.

       Sunday afternoon, back in St. Cloud, as we were unpacking, my good friend and traveling companion on the trip, a very spiritual man and a self-described agnostic, marveled over the behavior of the wind on our return.  He called it a miracle.

        Hearing that word from him caught my attention and brought the whole trip into new perspective.  It was one final, touching reminder of all the reminders Quetico had offered. 

       We are so interconnected with life – so loved.  What we call miracles happen all the time – natural, ordinary, everyday occurrences – some, perhaps, more dramatic than others.

       Awe-right.

Meandering Toward True Size

       Last Monday, instead of writing a Weekly Wisdom, I spent the day in workshop with Bill O'Hanlon, who's been mentoring and inspiring therapists and writers for some 30 years and who's published some 30 books.  He's a model of fearlessness for me – a man who decides to do something, then does it – apparently without a lot of the angst I typically experience between thinking and doing.

       I jumped at the chance to drive him back to the airport. The trip offered a lovely time to catch up with Bill - and was itself a meander.  I quickly missed a turn, and we wandered a bit before reorienting.  After a quick hug goodbye, I was back in the car headed home when I discovered a gold star sitting on the passenger seat where he'd been seated.  I assumed he left it there for me, as an encouragement.  (He had given a couple people stars during the workshop.)  Or it could have fallen out of his pocket, left there by a loving universe.  Either way, it was a blessing.

       The next morning dawned gorgeously.  After my usual run on the trail by the river, I decided to do some QiGong on the river-stone beach by water's edge, where I sometimes do ceremony with the Thursday night group.  The stones and I were soaking in the sunshine, as I moved my hands in an exercise called "The Movement of Yin and Yang".  For several minutes during that movement, I felt a phantom watch on my left wrist, where I no longer wear a watch.

       "What's this?" I wondered. 

       "It's time," came an answer.  Time, I realized, to let go of old containment, of living small – much smaller than I am.

       A couple days ago, Joanie and I closed on a new house – one more spacious than my "bachelor" home (now grounded, by the way), which we'd been sharing since she sold her place a couple-three months ago.  I've had a jitter or two about the move, which somehow is eased by today's soreness after our first marathon day of emptying one house into another.

       All this makes me think of lobsters. 

       It must be very frightening for lobsters to shed their old shells, when they've outgrown them.  There's that nakedness between shells, when they're totally vulnerable.  And yet, when it's time, the discomfort of living in a shell too small outweighs the danger of growing into the unknown.

       It's time.

Nice Mirror

     The energy system in my house is out of balance.  If I turn on a hair dryer in the upstairs bathroom, the lights in the room surge brighter.  When I switch on a hair dryer in the downstairs bathroom, lights dim. 

       This out of balance condition affects the electrical flow throughout the house.  The microwave groans at half speed, the toaster (now a "warmer") barely heats up, the washing machine balks completely.  Fortunately, the computer still works.  Thus, this message.

       Three visits from the power company and a local electrician leave the mystery unresolved.  I am, however, getting an education.  Apparently, there are two, 120-volt hot wires coming into the house (each energizing half the house) and one neutral wire that grounds the circuits and balances energy flow.  The best guess: a problem with grounding.

        Without proper grounding, there's no flow of energy, no balance.  Nothing works right.  I think my house is trying to tell me something.

        Nice mirror.

Discovery

If I look inside you

Hoping to find me

I look in vain.

AND YET

Encountering you true

Opens new doors

New pathways to me.

Discovering you

Discovering us

Discovers me.

Five S's of Sex

       It's difficult to do a retreat on intimacy without paying at least some attention to the topic of sexuality.  In our conversation on Saturday, we defined sex as an energy of connection, something much bigger, and perhaps more ambiguous, than any particular activity.  Sexuality involves lots of activities, of course, as well as elements that are less tangible.  We discussed Five S's of healthy sexuality – and it was a bit of stretch to make them all S's.

       Caution:  Please don't turn these S's into one more list of things you have to do to be successful at sex.  Let this be a gentle guide.  Sometimes you'll experience some of these things, sometimes none of them, occasionally all of them.

Safety.  Safety is fundamental.  It means being at peace with ourselves and our bodies – how they look and how they function.  It invites us to let go of those impossible models of perfection we can bludgeon ourselves with.  It means listening to ourselves, accepting ourselves, trusting ourselves.  And, of course, trusting the other and our relationship with him/her.  For example, commitment between partners helps a lot here.

Sensuality.  Taking time to savor the experience - with all our senses alive to various tastes, touches, aromas, sounds and sights.  No hurry, no destination, staying present to pleasure, stretching our capacity for enjoyment.  For example, we can experiment with the most delicate of touches or experience the deep comfort of a melting hug.

Seeing and Being Seen.  Here we allude to the quality of connection between partners – an openness to knowing and being known, to learning about each other, staying curious, approaching each other with fresh eyes, open to surprise and new discovery.  Friendship is the best and most enduring aphrodisiac.  Eyes-open sex is one example of this kind of connection.

Silliness.  A light-heartedness with each other, a playful spirit of adventure, an easy humor sometimes expressed in tender, gentle smiles and sometimes with rolling, laughing, heaving bellies.  Sometimes, humor is triggered by the inevitable clumsiness and imperfection we feel at times.  Playfulness can't be commanded.  It comes upon us naturally, following its own rhythms, often in response to the first three S's.  No need to search for it.  Just make room for it.  It will find you.

Sacred.  Here we have the sense that something's happening that's much bigger than the people involved.  The union of two humans can lead to a larger sense of union and transcendence.  It can lead us to God.  Eastern traditions, with teachings about Tantra, emphasize the spiritual nature of sexuality.  What if loving acts between humans contributes to an expanding universe of LOVE?  What if we make LOVE when we make love?

       When I think about it, human sexuality is a grand and goofy gift – a weird and wonderful part of a vibrant, abundant relational economy.  It's so unique for each person and each relationship.  We are invited to accept and appreciate its uniqueness, and our own – even as it leads us to oneness.

       Enjoy!

Imaginary Relationships

       Ever catch yourself having an imaginary conversation with someone?  Maybe, you're rehearsing.  Maybe, just daydreaming.

       To some extent, every relationship – especially every relationship in its early stages – is an imaginary one.  We carry in our imaginations a picture of each other, a story we create – a story that is sparse, sometimes, on actual experience of each other and heavy on projection from within ourselves.  For example, the story I carry about you may say more about me, my desires or my fears, than it does about you.

       While I'm not likely to stop creating stories about you, I can try not to get too attached to them.  I can keep my feet on the ground and my eyes, ears and heart engaged with you – ready to experience you as you are, ready to discard or revise my story as you unfold in the reality of the moment. 

        Imagination is a wonderful gift.  It brings beauty to life.  Getting to know someone means getting real.  That's beautiful, too.

Love's Surprise

Looking for an opportunity to heal?

Try having an intimate relationship.

Rest assured –

It will unearth any wound you have.

Disconcerting?  Perhaps.

  Has something gone awry?

 Have you made a big mistake?

 Is this some cruel joke?

Not to worry. 

Just relationship doing its thing: 

Inviting us to face ourselves,

Inviting us to grow.

Maybe not what we signed up for,

But richer in the end. 

Unexpected bounty -

Love's surprise.

Two Truths

Nothing's perfect.

Everything's perfect.

Both truths humble.

Both give comfort.

Sometimes I forget one.

Sometimes, the other.

Hold both.

Remember as needed.

 Love's  Economy

When I give freely, I have.

When I give with expectation, I have not.

When I receive freely, I have.

When I receive with obligation, I have not.

When I assume responsibility

For what I give and what I receive,

I am at peace.

When, in scare-city, I try to control

What you give and how you receive,

I suffer.

When I see you clearly,

I give skillfully.

When I see only me,

I give rarely.

When giving and receiving abound,

When giving and receiving are one,

Love's economy booms.

 Lovers Love

       As I think about paths to love, what first comes to mind is that familiar experience where we feel moved by the beauty of the beloved and a tender glow naturally flows.  We experience love in these moments as a spontaneous, effortless reaction to the lovability of someone out there.  I enjoy this path.  It appeals to the romantic in me, the sensitive guy who tears up at movies.

       Another approach to love starts, not so much with lovability out there, but "love-ability" in here.  We connect with the inner lover and make a conscious decision to engage life from that presence.  Deliberately exercising our love-muscles, we cultivate habits of love – seeing with intimate eyes, responding with tenderness and care to ourselves, to our beloved, and to all beings. 

       This path is a doing of love that springs from a being of love.  Sometimes, this doing is energized by feelings of love.  Often, doing love leads to the feeling of love.  And, occasionally, following this path is like an exhausted warrior quietly, without reward, doing her duty.

       Feelings of love, like all feelings, come and go.  Sometimes silent, sometimes vibrant, the inner lover is always there.

       Writers write, even when they don't feel like it. 

       Lovers love.