Let’s Love Together

         For years I’ve worked at opening to the flow of love.  I see universal love as an unlimited, inexhaustible resource, readily available and ready to overflow in my relational life – which it does quite naturally in my professional work, in my parenting and in most of my friendships. 

         Historically, this flow has not been so natural in my most intimate and vulnerable relationships, where fear, hunger and self-preoccupation invite a sense of scarcity and a tendency to over-think and over-work.  I’ve tended to attribute this awkwardness to a younger version of myself, whose early life experience makes understandable some skittishness in this area. 

         In recent years, I’ve tried to by-pass the boy – pushing him into the shadows, hoping to keep my inner grown-up in charge.  Frequently, to my dismay, the by-passed boy found a way to by-pass me and grab the keys to my relational car.  He’s a good kid, but not a great driver.

         Last week, grace came my way in the form of a wonderful, transformational healing retreat, Choose Love, led by Richard Moss, whose approach recognizes that healing and growth need to be integrated into the body and the heart.  Thinking alone cannot move us forward in substantial ways.  So, in addition to some cognitive work, we danced and sang and moved our bodies in expressive ways that led to a deeply felt sense of the contrast between the closed/contracted heart and the soft/open heart.

         In one exercise, we danced for well over an hour to varied, evocative and powerful pieces of music.  Somewhere near the end, I pictured my four-year-old self (Jimbo), whose photo sits on my desk, smiling at me as I write.  From a spaciousness opened by the music and movement, I felt drawn to dance with Jimbo.  And we did so for a good 10 or 15 minutes.  I held him close, then closer, and then experienced a merging with him.  I said to Jimbo: “Let’s love together.”

         Theoretically, I’ve known for years about the importance of connecting with the inner child.  This experience, however, was beyond theory.  It was visceral and embodied.  The youngster - embraced and held and welcomed - was not hungry.  He was not left alone to fend for himself.  He was partnered with Big James, the wise, spacious, grown-up elder who resides within.  In that moment of grace, love no longer seemed scarce or dangerous.  It flowed freely from fullness – accompanied by joyful tears.

         The embodied union of Big James and Jimbo keeps Jimbo emotionally safe and James vibrantly alive.  It integrates wisdom and vitality – two qualities necessary for loving connection – qualities more available to me now.

         While I can’t predict how this will play out in my life, I do believe that love inside leads to love outside and that inner partnership paves the way for outer partnerships.  Witnessing inward with mindful awareness opens a spaciousness that makes room for what’s young and what’s ancient in my being.  In that spaciousness, there’s room for all of I and all of Thou. 

         I find it easier now to feel the difference between when I’m connected and when I’ve slipped into an old pattern of separation.  And, thankfully, when I do disconnect, I now have a way back – an embodied memory that anchors me in partnership and presence. 

         I also have a mantra:  Let’s love together.

Human Meets Divine

         I’ve been planning to share a passage or two from a book by Lorin Roche, The Radiance Sutras, a poetic and contemporary translation/interpretation of Vijnana Bhairava Tantra – a sacred Hindu text of tantric meditations, honoring human sensory and sensual experience as a doorway to divine connection.  I’ve been touched deeply by the power and beauty of so many of the Sutras and have been puzzling about which to share with you.

         Last night, I hosted a fondue dinner for a small group of dear old friends.  Our meal lasted nearly 6 hours.  With fondue forks in hand, we speared morsels of meat and various vegetables, cooked them in pots of boiling aromatic vegetable broth and dipped them in one of several spicy, flavorful sauces. 

         The leisurely pace of the fondue meal allowed us time to savor the fragrances and flavors and textures of each bite and to enjoy the laughter and lively conversation that peppered our main course, sweetened our dessert and energized the time in between.  Dessert featured a warm, candle-heated, creamy, dark chocolate fondue sauce, in which we dipped strawberries and bananas - and which, as the evening ended, we spooned over Haagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream.

         Remembering last night’s delights and re-reading the Sutras today made my decision much easier.  Here are Sutras 72, 73 and 74.

                           Sutra 72

         Tasting dark chocolate,

         A ripe apricot,

         A luscious elixir –

         Savor the expanding joy in your body.

         Nature is offering herself to you.

         How astonishing

         To realize this world can taste so good.

         When sipping some ambrosia,

         Raise your glass,

         Close your eyes,

         Toast the Universe.

         The Sun and Moon and Earth

         Danced together

         To bring you this delight.

         Receive the nectar on your tongue

         As a kiss of the divine.

                           Sutra 73

         All around you, in every moment,

         The world is offering a feast for your senses.

         Songs are playing,

         Tasty food is on the table,

         Fragrances are in the air,

         Colors fill the eyes with light.

         You who long for union,

         Attend this banquet with loving focus.

         The outer and inner worlds

         Open to each other.

         Oneness of vision, oneness of heart.

         Right here, in the midst of it all,

         Mount that elation, ascend with it,

         Become identical

         With ecstatic essence

         Embracing both worlds.

                           Sutra 74

         Wherever, whenever you feel carried away,

         Rejoicing in every breath,

         There, there is your meditation hall.

         Cherish these times of absorption –

         Rocking the baby in the silence of the night,

         Pouring water into a crystal glass,

         Tending the logs in a crackling fire,

         Sharing a meal with a circle of friends.

         Embrace these pleasures and know,

         “This is my true body.”

         Nowhere is more holy than this.

         Right here is the sacred pilgrimage.

         Live in alertness for such a moment, my Beloved,

         As if it were your one meeting with the Creator.

Embodied, present, here, now – human meets divine!

The Vitality of Mindful Presence

         I recently finished an extraordinary certificate training in mindfulness.  I needed the CEU’s, I needed the break, and I needed a few days of meditative practice in a beautiful setting with delicious, healthy food and like-minded folk – all of which I got.  What I did not anticipate were the powerful learnings that awaited me.  Here are two related ones.

         By way of background, I’ve known for some time that being embodied in the present moment is a good thing.  For me, embodiment has been a work in progress.  I tend to hang out in my head, often caught up in imaginary conversations, past regrets and future frets.

         Late into the retreat, we had a day of silence – which I approached with the general intention to stay present and no specific plans for how to do so.  At breakfast, I found myself staring at my bowl of food for several minutes before taking a bite. The textures and colors of the granola, berries and yogurt seemed unusually vibrant.  The first mouthful, slowly and deliberately taken, exploded in a burst of flavor as I bit into it.

         Lunch was a similar experience, but even more profound.  Again, I was amazed and mesmerized by the beauty on my plate – the lush and varied greens of lettuce leaves, sauteed asparagus and poblano peppers, the soft browns of the pinto beans, the fragrant basmati rice, the many hues and shades in the generous dollop of guacamole, the topping of pumpkin seeds – each seed uniquely sized and shaped, each subtly different in color.  Across from my big plate, was a smaller dish with one giant, ripe organic strawberry dipped in dark chocolate and garnished with a delicate drizzle of bright white sweetness. 

         Despite my watering mouth, I was in no hurry to start eating.  At that moment, the feast was primarily visual.  Mind empty, I sat transfixed for many minutes before taking a first bite.  Each forkful was slow and deliberate, with long pauses in between, as all my senses savored the delights before me.

         One lesson for me in all this was the “wow” of focused and spacious attention.  The power of my surrender to full engagement was much stronger than similar experiences in the past.  I felt joyful and alive and serene. 

         The second, more powerful lesson came with the shift that occurred – maybe 45 minutes into lunch when my plate was still half full.  I became aware that I’d left the present moment.  I was still gazing at my food, but my mind was elsewhere, engaged in an imaginary conversation.  That’s when I noticed that the vivid colors on my plate were noticeably duller, dimmer, more drab.  During the rest of my meal, vibrant intensity returned with mindful presence and departed when mind wandered. 

         What a difference!  The knowing that had been theoretical suddenly became very real for me.  The connection between mindful presence and vitality of life had never been clearer.

Discomfort Dread

      I’ve noticed, in myself and in my clients, a tendency to treat uncomfortable feelings as if they were a threat or a problem that needs to be fixed – a sign that somehow we’re spiritually lacking or flunking mental health.  We get adversarial with ourselves – moving automatically toward analysis of “what’s wrong,” in an effort to defeat “the problem” and control how we feel.

         I wonder about a gentler, more spacious, more peaceful approach to our inner discomfort - an alternative to the tyranny of self-improvement.

         I wonder about offering companionship and a compassionate heart – and not so much analysis and judgment – to our experience of discomfort. 

         I imagine honoring the feeling - maybe saying:  “Thanks for letting me know.” 

         I imagine noticing how the feeling is expressed by tightness or discomfort in the body.  I imagine breathing gently into those physical sensations – sending nurture, kindness, forgiveness, light. 

         I imagine listening more deeply to the feeling, appreciating its underlying request.

         I imagine remembering that no feeling is permanent, that the natural course of all feelings is to move freely through us.  

         Often, we fail to bring this kind of spaciousness to ourselves.  We disregard our feelings or we tighten down on them or get caught up in stories about them or fight with them or try to push them away – all of which only adds to their stubbornness and our suffering.  And all these sufferings, when mindfully noticed, offer new opportunities to practice self-forgiveness and self-compassion.

         With practice over time, we learn that no inner experience is beyond our capacity for compassion and companionship.  We deepen friendship with ourselves - and trust.  We discover an inner spaciousness that is larger than any feeling or any problem we could have.   

         Discomfort, then, is not so dreaded.

Boundary Waters’ Teachings

      I recently returned from a wonderful trip to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area, a National Park wilderness on the border of Minnesota and Canada.  Two or three times a year, I venture into that wilderness and always come back feeling renewed and invigorated – and often inspired.  I’d like to touch on three teachings that were especially significant for me this time.

         I left home with the intention to work on staying present and mindful in the moment.  After a five-hour drive to the entry point, my good intention was tested immediately by the task of backpacking 60 pounds of gear for 2/3 mile of rough, up-and-down terrain on the portage to the first lake.  I was humbled by how quickly my thoughts turned to estimates of how much further I had to go and questions about the wisdom of bringing all this stuff.  And I was impressed by how much easier the portage became – and how much lighter my load – when I focused on just the one step before me.  I saw once again how efforts to escape from what we deem unpleasant add to our suffering and how the practice of gently returning, again and again, to the present moment brings peace.

         After setting up camp, I perched on the massive, flat, granite slab that served as the campsite’s front porch and basked in the beauty of my surroundings.  The sun was moving lower in the west-northwestern sky.  I felt an all-body sensation, familiar to me during times in nature or in deep meditation.  The mind was quiet and the body was vibrating with a kind of hum – hard to describe.  I just slipped into it, without noticing.  When I did notice, self-consciousness took over.  The mind got excited and immediately began giving my body instructions on how to deepen the experience - which, of course, diminished it.  Again, I was humbled – and frustrated with the way my mind butts in and tries to control things, when the body’s doing just fine.  I apologized to my body, took some deep breaths and, to my surprise, I felt forgiven and re-connected with myself – despite that goofy intervention.  More and more I’m reminded to trust my body’s wisdom.  It knows the way.

         The next evening, shortly after sunset, from that same vantage point on the front porch, I was drawn to a scraggly looking pine tree on the shore opposite the campsite – directly across from where I was sitting.  It had a sense of motion about it.  As I looked closer, I could see arms outstretched and legs bent at the knees and a wild-looking headdress at the top.  I saw the tree as a dancing warrior, moving with boldness and abandon.  I felt an invitation to embrace the dancing warrior within, to let the bolder part of me breathe a bit, to give the wild man some room, to let go of some of the seriousness, cautiousness and self-containment that I no longer need, to see that being careful is not the same as caring, to take another step in the direction of freeing myself – and trusting myself. 

         On the way home, I stopped at Vanilla Bean, one of my favorite restaurants on the shore of Lake Superior.  While awaiting my walleye cakes and eggs, I read some “Banter Verses” from The Radiance Sutras by Lorin Roche. The masculine deity, “The God who is the Consciousness that Permeates Everywhere” is speaking:

         I am always here.

         I am the embrace

         Of your most intimate experience.

         Though I am beyond the intellect,

         I am not beyond your daring.

                  (Banter Verse 15)

         I am everywhere, infusing everything.

         To find me,

         Become absorbed in intense experience.

         Go all the way.   

         Be drenched in the energies of life.

         Enter the world beyond separation.

                  (Banter Verse 20)

         The invitation to dare and dive in - what a delicious cherry on the hot fudge sundae of boundary waters’ teachings!

         For several months, I’ve been writing about the relational nature of the universe, with a focus on how we connect deeply with others.  Now, I’d like to shift the focus to interior realms, with a series of short posts on how we relate to ourselves.

Be Yourself

         Be yourself.  How often have you heard or given this advice?  This doesn’t mean that we disregard others and care only about our own reality.  There’s a balance here – and also a sequence.  Inner engagement informs how we engage the world. The dance of inner and outer begins with the inner.

         In order to operate with authenticity and integrity, we first need to enter our insides with curiosity and compassion – no comparisons with anyone else, no judgments about how we ought to be.  We orient toward appreciating what is – creating an inner spaciousness that allows room for every feeling, every desire, every nook and cranny within us, - including our inconsistencies and contradictions in an ever-unfolding inner landscape. 

         To prevent paralysis or aimless drifting, inner spaciousness is balanced by clarity and focus.  In a friendly, balanced relationship with ourselves - when we attend respectfully to the interior, inviting spaciousness and clarity - we naturally gravitate toward what’s important and central.  An inner gyroscope directs us toward choices and actions that reflect and express who we are – allowing us to live with authenticity and deep integrity.

         Again and again, we return to the practice of mindfulness – gentle, compassionate self-awareness, self-discovery and clarity. We have to be with ourselves before we can be ourselves.

Nepo on Relationship

         One of my favorite spiritual authors, Mark Nepo, has written a profound book of short meditations, called: Things that Join the Sea and Sky.  His introduction to the section on relationships touches on the awkwardness and transformational power of close connection – themes dear to me – inviting compassion and awe as I experience the goofiness and grandeur of the human condition.

         Here is what he wrote:

“It’s so tempting at times to withdraw and watch life go by, but it’s through relationship that we come alive and heal.  There’s no other way but to open the door to our mind, to our heart, and venture out, knowing we will be changed by everything and everyone we meet.  Yet try as we do, we seldom come close to what we aim for.  I go to love you and miss, hurting your feelings.  You aim to protect yourself and push me away, a little too hard.  The friend we encourage to be herself finally stands up, knocking down everyone near.  Still, our heartfelt attempts, clumsy as they are, are the seeds that restore the world.  All the spiritual traditions speak about renewal through relationship, and all agree that God – or the Spirit of the Universe, or the Ultimate Bareness of Being, or whatever name you want to give to Essence – remains an indwelling presence until revealed in the world through relationship.  In time, meaning is revealed through relationship.  Of course, we need to be alone and then together.  Of course, we need to retreat and then run into each other’s arms.  But the beauty is that the cycle of relationship is never done.  And with each turn of relationship, we are transformed.”  (Nepo, 2017, p.45)

A Love/LOVE Story:

The Alchemy of Intimacy

         In our story, at the cosmic level of pure being, UNIQUENESS and ONENESS dance together.  Neither exists without the other – and both are deepened by this timeless dance. The dance of UNIQUENESS and ONENESS is called RELATIONSHIP.  It is how LOVE expresses itself in an expanding Universe of LOVE.

         At the human level – the level of doing - relationship is also a dance of uniqueness and oneness.  The human doing of relationship mirrors the cosmic being in RELATIONSHIP.  Here, too, uniqueness and oneness support each other in a synergy that deepens both.  Our wholeness as individuals enhances our capacity to form deep intimate partnerships – more perfect unions - just as an intimate partnership fosters deeper individuality, personal growth and wholeness in each partner.

         In this story’s third installment, as we explore the alchemy of intimacy, we see how a healthy and balanced approach to close human relationship brings doing and being together in a way that transforms the individual, creates a LOVE entity (a Third Self), and expands the universe.  In this alchemy, love becomes LOVE.

Individual Transformation

         Most of us bring to our closest relationships a hope that the relationship will lead to healing and transformation.  And I believe it does – only not in the way we hope.  We hope that our wounds and sore spots will be comforted in the balm of relational love and will essentially disappear.  Generally, the opposite happens.  Our partners inevitably activate the very discomforts we were hoping to avoid.  I see this activation as a well-disguised gift.

         Typically, our first response is to try to get the partner to change, so that our discomfort abates.  While not always a bad idea, this approach usually doesn’t work – until, oddly enough, we face what we need to face with spaciousness, compassion and love.  This loving ownership of self often frees our partner to join us in that compassionate, healing endeavor. 

         For example, one person in a relationship is sensitive to feelings of loneliness and abandonment.  When that sensitivity is activated, he tries to get his partner to be more loving.  The partner, however, who is sensitive to feelings of being criticized or controlled, stiffens and emotionally withdraws in an attempt to avoid her discomfort.  Her withdrawal activates his discomfort; his pressure activates hers.  Around and around they go, stuck in a painful dance that sidetracks them from intimate connection, illuminates their sore spots and invites deeper self-reflection.   Once each faces his/her own sensitivity, owns it compassionately and shares it in a self-revealing way, space opens for both to heal. 

         Intimate life - through the gift of grace and the messiness of trial and error - tugs us gently and persistently toward expansion.  Despite many failures, we learn new skills, new ways of seeing and operating.  We collect more tools for our toolbox. We learn new love languages. We become more whole and complete, more able to grow a relationship.

  The Third Self

         It’s long been known in the psychotherapeutic community that - in healthy, balanced, mature relationships - the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.  This wholeness cannot be accounted for by simply looking at the individuals in the relationship, any more than water can be accounted for by looking at hydrogen and oxygen. 

         When people gather – as a couple, a family, a team, a tribe, an organization, or a nation – there is an identity created that is distinct from, and larger than, the individuals that make up that gathering.  In their teachings about love and intimacy, Teilhard de Chardin and Richard Moss label this distinct identity the Third Self - a spiritual entity, present in every relationship, with its own evolving energy or character, its own unique potentials and purpose, and its own requirements and needs.

         This Third Self is palpable and real.  It’s the spirit or soul of a relationship - a bit like the culture of an organization.  It is co-created by the individuals in a group and it, in turn, has profound effects on its members.  For example, a problem solving team creates a climate of trust, openness and safety that welcomes and values input from all its members.  In the warmth of that Third Self, individual team members blossom and shine.

         In close, long-term relationships, the impact of the Third Self is even more powerful.  When we orient ourselves toward intimacy - toward spaciousness and self-revelation - our human love co-creates a spiritual entity whose essence is LOVE.  Our balanced, generous and heartfelt doing of love mirrors cosmic LOVE, births new LOVE and expands the universe.

Expanding Universe of LOVE

         Relentlessly, since that first explosion of LOVE, the universe has been expanding.  According to Teilhard de Chardin, all evolution – personal, interpersonal, planetary and cosmic - is relational.  Growth takes place in the context of relationship.  And LOVE is the energy at the core of that growth.  Creative, intelligent and intentional, LOVE energizes evolution.  Since we are inseparable from LOVE, each of us is part of that expansion.  And the part we play matters more than we can imagine.

         In this story, while all relationships teach and transform us, our closest relationships lead to the deepest personal transformations and have powerful effects on the world around us.  Every act of authentic intimacy - every doing of love - makes LOVE.  Knowing and being known, receiving and radiating love, consciously co-creating LOVE – these actions transform people, partnerships and planets.  LOVE heals.  LOVE grows the universe.

         Romantic movies make such fanfare about love – high drama, violin music, grand passion, love that is larger than life.  We may roll our eyes a bit, and yet find ourselves somehow stirred.  Maybe it’s not just that our emotions are being played.  Perhaps something deeper is being tapped, something we recognize at the level of soul, but can’t quite recall.

         Perhaps we have an ancient memory of LOVE that is grander than anything imaginable – LOVE that is larger than life.

Postscript: 

         First of all, I want to thank your for being patient with me these last couple months, as I have focused single-mindedly on the topic of love - repeating similar themes in slightly different ways.  I’m preparing for a presentation on the transformational power of love at an upcoming conference and have been gathering my thoughts through these postings - rehearsing with you. 

         Secondly, I want to remind you that Richard Moss is coming to central Minnesota (June 28 – July 1) to offer a retreat – Choose Only Love - focused on the spirituality and psychology of love.  I am so looking forward to this extraordinary gathering and hope some of you can join me there. 

         Please check out Richard’s website at www.richardmoss.com for more information.  Feel free to email me with any questions at jbryer3@gmail.com   Scholarships are available as needed.

         Nearly 20 years ago, some dear friends asked me to speak at their wedding.  Since the third installment of our story is still in process, I’d like to share with you what I shared with them - one of my first attempts to express publicly some themes you’ll see in that third installment - A Love/LOVE Story: The Alchemy of Intimacy.

A Wedding Talk

         Look into each other’s eyes.  Feel into each other’s hearts.  Everything you need to know about love is right here.  That’s because who you ARE is love.  You are children of the Universe, children of God, who is Love.  You are created in Love - and of Love.  It’s your essence.  You cannot not be Love.

         Love has no opposite.  I used to think hate was the opposite of love.  Then I thought fear was.  Now I believe that everything we do is either an act of love, and therefore an expression of who we are, or an act of searching for Love, because we’ve temporarily forgotten who we are.

         As you know, we spend much of our time in that state of forgetfulness and searching.  Traditionally, weddings are a time when a veil is lifted.  Today, you lift a veil for us.  You help us all remember, once again, that Love is where we come from, it’s where we’re headed, and it’s who we are right now.  Thank you!

         Today, you are affirming spiritual partnership.  This is a grand and glorious, bold and brave thing to do, a wonderful adventure.  You’ll have great fun - playing and working together, laughing, loving, building, discovering.  Plunge into the exhilaration of it all.  Drink deeply.  Don’t let the temporary nature of all joy dampen the fullness you feel.

         Spiritual partnership is a challenging opportunity for healing and wholeness.  And, as you know, it’s not always fun.

         We have these wounds inside us - fears of abandonment and not belonging, fears of not being good enough, fears about losing ourselves as we try to be close to another.  Spiritual partnerships shine a spotlight on those wounds.  I guarantee you: there is not a sore spot in you that will not be unearthed by your relationship.

         Being together is going to hurt sometimes.  You may feel like your relationship is going awry.  You may even be tempted to look back on today and wonder if you did the right thing.  Don’t worry, mates.  This is your relationship doing exactly what it’s supposed to do.  It’s supposed to expose your sore spots, so you can heal.  It’s supposed to invite you to stretch beyond your habitual patterns of thinking and feeling, acting and reacting.  That’s how you realize wholeness.

         When hurt happens, the first impulse is to tighten up.  You’re going to want to run like crazy or fight like a banshee.  You’ll want to go to war with the pain and build barriers to protect yourself.  And, sometimes, that’s exactly what you’ll do.

         Here’s my invitation:  Notice this tendency to tighten.  Breathe.  Breathe deeply.  Breathe gently.  Soften to your wound.  Stay present to yourself.  Offer yourselves the gentle light of awareness and the tender mercy of compassion.  Sometimes our hearts have to break in order to grow.

         You’re going to misread each other at times.  You’ll see each other through lenses shaded by old wounds.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Soften to the process.  Stay engaged.  Soften and open to grief - yours and your partner’s. 

         Invest your energy in knowing and being known.  Reveal all you can to each other.  Be naked and vulnerable - in joy and in sorrow.  See each other with soft eyes - and clear eyes.  Make room for complexities and contradictions.   Cherish the mystery.  Free each other, as you free yourselves, to be and become.

         When you love this way, you’re not just doing something nice for yourselves and for each other.  You’re helping all of us.  Not to put any pressure, but the Universe is counting on you.  Your love grows, not just yourselves, it grows the Universe.  Love is the Energy of the Universe and when you love well, you contribute to an expanding Universe of Love.

         Trust your love.  It’s who you are.  Trust your lovability, your worthiness to receive.  And trust your love-ability, your capacity to love.  It’s boundless.

         In her poem, Wild Geese, Mary Oliver writes:  “…let the soft animal of your body love what it loves”.  As you embark on this amazing adventure, let the soft animal out of its cage.  Let it purr.  Let it roar.  Like a bonfire, let it warm you.  Let it warm your household and your community.  Let it warm all of us.  And, while you’re at it, let it warm the Universe. 

         This second installment addresses the relational dance at the human level.   In a recent post, Three Approaches to Relationship (archived on the Softening to Love website, Feb. 3), I compared two imbalanced approaches to relationship – fusion and isolation – with a more balanced approach that mirrors the cosmic dance of UNIQUENESS and ONENESS.  Our story continues, with a focus on that third approach:  Intimacy. 

A Love Story: The Dance of Intimacy

         The dance of intimacy is essentially a two-step - with infinite variations – the two steps being the two essential tasks of close relationship: knowing and being known.  The dance requires that we let go of control agendas and self-protection strategies and that we honor uniqueness and oneness in a balanced way.

         This segment of the story, shifts our attention from the cosmic level to the human level, offers practical wisdom about intimate life, and touches on the following topics:  Spaciousness, Into-me-see (self-revelation), Partnership in Conflict, and Balance.

Spaciousness

         The intimate stance in relationship sees and honors what is.  It creates space for the self, for the other and for the relationship.  Spaciousness offers partners in relationship the freedom to be fully themselves and, thus, the freedom to connect deeply.

         The lover’s declaration of intention to the beloved might sound something like this: 

         “I want to enter your world gently, to see the richness of you through clear and compassionate lenses.  I want to be a mirror that reflects the beauty and uniqueness of you.

         “Without abandoning my own perspective, I want to try on yours and see what you see.  I want to appreciate your inner world and your outer world.  I want to know what makes you laugh and what makes you cry, what you want and what you don’t want, what you value and what you think.

          “I want to approach you, each day with fresh, curious and attentive eyes and ears – humbly aware that you are evolving and growing and that I am not the expert on you.  Each day, I want to learn more about you – and more from you.

          “I want to meet you, discover you and accept you, as you are, without correcting, criticizing or confining you – or confusing you with anyone else.  I welcome every aspect of you into my life and into my heart.”

Into-me-see

         The lover continues: 

         “I want to reveal myself to you.  I want to reveal how I feel, what I believe in, what matters to me, my hopes, my dreams, my wants and desires, my sore spots and vulnerabilities, my fears and joys, my failures and triumphs, my heart, my mind, and my soul.  

         “I intend to share myself with you, as truthfully and accurately as I can – resisting the temptation to present myself to you as someone I think you might like, as a way of trying to win your affection.  I will do my best to stay honest with you and to stay open to your honesty with me.  My intention is to be fully present with you - to open my heart to your heart.”

         Revealing the heart is an act of courage.  The emotional nakedness of deep self-disclosure feels risky.  We long to be seen.  We long to belong.  And we feel vulnerable to rejection and judgment.  Sometimes, in our fear and yearning, we reveal too much too soon.  Sometimes fear tricks us into hiding from connection.  It takes wisdom, trust in ourselves and in each other, and conscious effort to keep fear from running the show.

         In this story, the essential tool for self-revelation is the I-statement.  For example, if I want to express what I feel or what I want, I first attend inside to discover what I actually do feel or want.  Then I simply share it, as in: “I feel…” or “I want…”

          One pitfall here is the common tendency to hide a judgment in the guise of a self-disclosure.  For example, if I let you know I’m unhappy about something and then go on at great length to convict you of wrongdoing, I’m probably delivering more of a you-statement than an I-statement.  I may find it hard to trust that my feelings are valid.  I may try to build an ironclad case to protect myself from being discounted.  Ironically, the case I build can make it less likely that my feelings will be heard.

         In the intimate approach to relationship, I don’t have to prove my validity.  If I’m feeling hurt or angry or unhappy, I can say so.  I can speak about what I like and what I don’t like, what I want and what I don’t want.  I get to set boundaries about what is ok with me and what is not ok.   Genuine self-disclosure - even when it is hard to share or hard to hear - is a gift to a relationship.  It’s an act of intimacy.  

Partnership in Conflict

         In any authentic approach to close relationship, conflict is inevitable.  The relational dance can be especially challenging at these times.  Our focus can easily shift from knowing and being known to winning, defending, controlling or self-protecting. We may see the partner as an adversary, rather than a friend and resource.  The body can flood with the chemistry of fight-flight. With the nervous system on high alert, our most primitive self tends to grab center stage.  We armor up, harden our hearts and act tough, as if we’re fighting for our lives.

         In order to reorient toward knowing and being known, we may need to do some breathing or take a break to get back in balance.  As we re-engage, we may need a structure to help us return to the constructive conversation.

         The Native American practice of the “talking stick” can be helpful to create the room needed for spacious and skillful talking and listening.  The person with the stick uses I-statements to self-disclose from his/her perspective for up to five minutes without interruption and then sets the stick down.  The partner takes the stick, mirrors compassionately something that seemed important to the speaker, then self-discloses – using I-statements - for up to five minutes without interruption.  The stick can alternate in this fashion, till each has had his/her say.

         This practice invites a nice balance of spaciousness and into-me-see.  We can stay soft, gentle and receptive, and still be honest, clear and firm.  Sometimes, just having our say and listening to each other in a respectful setting allows a conflict to melt.  Especially with big issues, it’s often better to allow some time for “percolation” rather than push for immediate resolution.

         When resolution is needed, knowing and being known is at the center of a constructive, win-win approach.  We set a time and declare our intention to find mutually beneficial solutions.  We work as collaborators - not as adversaries advocating exclusively for their own agenda.  

         Win-win problem solving begins with each person stating what he/she wants.  A very important next step is for both persons to acknowledge the validity of what the other wants.  Then, they can collaborate to find creative possibilities.

         In some cases, when both needs are honored, partners can agree that one individual’s need is more crucial at this time and should take priority.  In other cases, if the two wants appear mutually exclusive, partners can dig deeper to see the goals that underlie the stated wants – thus, allowing new possibilities to emerge.  Sometimes, brainstorming can result in a mutually acceptable compromise.  Sometimes, partners agree to take turns, as a way for both to get what they want/need.

         Once relational partners become collaborators, routes to conflict resolution are abundant.  Trust deepens.

Balance

      Dancing skillfully in the ballroom of human relationship requires balance in so many areas.  Here are a few:   

·      Honoring self and honoring the other;

·      Listening and self-disclosing;

·      Showing up and letting go;

·      Following and leading;

·      Wise heart and wise mind;

·      Receptivity and clarity;

·      Flexibility and firmness;

·      Playfulness and seriousness;

·      Gentleness and strength.

         Balance and skill in the dance of intimacy grows us as individuals.  It grows relationships.  And it grows the cosmos. 

         Stay tuned for the final installment:  A Love/LOVE Story: The Alchemy of Intimacy.