Dawn's Passing

       A friend, colleague and fellow sojourner, Dawn Beye, died Thursday morning, November 29th – my birthday – and, I believe, a birth day for her.  On her Caring Bridge website, she shared many inspiring journal entries, one of which, I posted as a Weekly Wisdom, titled Dawn's Light. (To find that posting, click under Archive on August, 2009.)  

       This morning, I was planning to flesh out a Weekly Wisdom, called Love Breath, that's been percolating for a while.  As I sat at the computer, Dawn was on my mind, and my mind was in an odd space.  At the top of the page, instead of "Love Breath", I typed "Dawn's Passing".   

       I'm not quite sure how that happened, but I am clear:  Love Breath will need to wait.

       On the day of Dawn's death, her husband, Kirk, posted on Caring Bridge a letter she had written a few months ago to their newborn granddaughter.  It's a legacy Dawn left before her passing. 

       I pass portions of it your way.

"I am writing this especially for you, as well as for my grandchildren who may arrive on earth in the future.  Perhaps what I write for you will have meaning for others as well – especially for family and friends – and even for the larger family of humankind.

"All living beings are connected.  Even the earth, itself, with all its forms of life and creation could be seen as 'family'.  All things are part of an intricate web of life.  Some might call that Oneness or Wholeness.  All the world's great spiritual philosophies and traditions acknowledge this sense of Unity.  The sciences, too, especially physics, with theories like the Zero Point Field, seek to understand and explain a source from which all form arises.

"On earth, it would be wonderful if we could sense such Oneness – treating each other and all that exists with respect, kindness and love.  That is how families function best.

"Unfortunately, we often miss the mark on this.  Whether in our immediate family or the larger family of humankind, as we seek to live consciously and conscientiously on our planet, we are guaranteed to encounter some challenging people and circumstances.

"Here's one of life's little secrets.  All of your experiences – whether they seem negative or positive – can teach you something – if  you are willing to learn.  And if you are willing to learn, you will find that in the end everything you experience in life is good.

"Like an alchemist you change dross into gold.  You can become a person who shapes your own world with confidence, power and, especially, with compassion and caring for yourself and others.

"Taking this kind of perspective requires strength and persistence.  It is not an easy path.  But, paradoxically, it will make life easier for you – and so much richer.  For you will live with greater appreciation and awe of everything in life.  You will be in charge of your life, no matter what happens externally.  You will have the power to create joy in life.  The ability is built into you, but it must be noticed and cultivated to become real for you….

"Our journey through life changes over the years.  Sometimes with unanticipated twists and turns.  Our lives evolve – and that's good.  It means we are growing.  And it means we have multiple opportunities to become more of who we are.

"Claiming and expressing who you really are is one of the most important things you can do to live a fulfilling life.  When you live as your own unique self, your understanding and gifts expand.  After all, you came to earth to be you !

"But there's no arrival at a particular destination labeled, 'Infinite Self'.  That would make you finite wouldn't it?  Instead, with each expansion of your sense of self, you will discover a new horizon to explore.  Which I think is an absolutely wonderful way to live!  Always something to look forward to.

"Remember that you were born perfect, open, beautiful, aware and wise.  You are already a masterpiece!  Remembering this is the key….

"Babies shine so brilliantly with divine light.  Adults, on the other hand, have often had life experiences that result in a filtering or masking of their light.  While that light of our being never goes away, as we grow up, we may forget it is there, or bury it under layers of life experiences that seem to contradict it…

"During our growing up years, we are shaped by many external factors – family, culture, schools, religion, politics and many other tings – all of which will seek to influence you.  Such influences can add layers that separate you from your truest Self, even when they are well-intended and meant to be positive.  We generally have things to un-learn to remember and rediscover who we truly are….

"As a child, I saw the whole world as Light.  I've been lucky to have had the gift of seeing beyond the outer forms of people and things to the Love and Light that shines within them.  This Love and Light definitely trumps everything else.  It's really all that exists.  Everything else that we believe to be 'real' is just clutter we've collected, judgments we've made, and other perceptions that we've allowed to cloud our awareness.

"Even people who do horrific things have a spark of this Love and Light within them somewhere.  It may be deeply buried and hidden, however.  It is wise in this physical world to be discerning and to take self-protective actions around persons who are disconnected from their true selves.  It is only in disconnection and separation that we could ever harm another person.  Because otherwise we would see others as part of the Whole in which we all reside.  To purposefully harm anyone else is to harm oneself, and all of humanity.

"Even when boundaries need to be set for the well-being of all, it is helpful to remember that there is always more than meets the eye.  Persons who are so separated from their own Light are not likely to ever perceive it, unless someone else acknowledges it within them.  One can do this from a safe distance.  Forgiveness helps.  Learning from any negative experience helps.  Living life well despite what happens to us helps.  If we hold onto feelings like vengeance, bitterness or hatred, we ultimately poison ourselves, and often those around us as well.  Then everyone involved becomes more separated from their own Light.

"Life has so much to explore, enjoy and appreciate.  There is no one-size-fits-all; no one 'right' way in life.  I don't have 'the answers', and neither does anyone else.  In fact, be wary of those who believe they have captured 'the truth'.  They are the least likely to know much of anything.  The closer you get to a truth, the more infinite it becomes, always calling you to the next level of understanding.

"Truth also is not 'out there'.  It is in your own heart, waiting for you to perceive it.  Truth comes from within.

"So don't take anything I offer as the ultimate truth.  Words are too limited to encompass that adequately anyway.  But I hope my words will prompt you to create your own thoughts, expand into the joy of life and discover the ever-expanding truths that shine brightly within your own heart….

"What a wonderful universe this is!  Gifts to unwrap everywhere we look."

Meurial Dawn Weldon Beye

December 5, 1953 – November 29, 2012

Gratitude Attitude

       Last summer, walking briskly along the Mississippi on the Beaver Island Trail with my good friend, Rich, I inquired about his injured shoulder.  He said something like:  "It still bothers me some.  Then I think about the thousands of other parts of my body that are working just right, and I feel blessed."

       Rich is rich.  His life is grounded in gratitude. 

       What an act of mercy gratitude is.  Focusing on what I have is so much kinder to myself than immersing in what's missing.  As I stay present, inhabiting my body, I feel a stark contrast between the tight contraction of scarcity thinking and the relaxed energy, the lightness, gratitude brings. 

       With practice, seeing beauty and bounty can become a life-enhancing habit.  Practice, practice, practice.

       Happy Thanksgiving!

Befriending Fear

       I’m back from a wonderful week in Ojai, California, with Richard Moss and a beautiful group of fellow travelers.  We spent time exploring how we relate to fear, a powerful and pervasive presence in our lives.  We shared how we protect ourselves from fear – using old survival strategies that may have served us early in life, but now are more likely to sap vitality and the fullness of being in the moment.  Richard was clear:  We don’t defeat fear.  We find ways to co-create with it.

       One night, just before bedtime, I picked up Richard’s latest book, Inside-Out Healing, and said to myself:  “Whatever page I open to, that’s what I’ll read.”   To my amazement and delight, the book opened to page 153 and the heading, “A Word about Fear”. 

       I decided right then to share with you some quotes from that section. 

       “Fear is a wall that every one of us hits again and again throughout our lives.  Some people try to climb the wall by filling themselves with hope.  Others try to ignore it, perhaps by keeping themselves very busy.  Some try to go around it by taking care of everyone else, and there are those who put on blinders and let their world get smaller and smaller over time.  But sooner or later, to fully live, we have to sit down in front of fear and let it teach us about ourselves.  When we do, it becomes one of our greatest allies in the journey to wisdom and healing…. (p. 153)

       “There are innumerable ways of rationalizing fear that give you the mistaken idea that you know what it is, when in reality you haven’t engaged the feeling consciously.  If you did, then you would clearly realize that at the level of sensation, all fear is the same….  (p. 153)

       “If you turn your awareness toward fear instead of thinking about it – and actually allow yourself to experience the sensation of fear while refusing to let that sensation carry you into stories – the stories will dissolve as fast as they form.  Then, like all feelings, fear continues to transmute.  It becomes energy – aliveness not frozen in contraction….  Then you will have reached a whole new level of inner freedom.”  (pp. 153-154)

       Richard invites us to attend gently to fear as a sensation in the body, to make a compassionate space for fear, to breathe into it and let it flow naturally through us.  Don’t let stories take over and torment.  Stay in the body.  Stay with the breath.

       From the standpoint of our spacious selves, fear is just an ancient, young friend who sometimes makes a lot of noise.

Mystery  I

I inhabit

This body

Right here

Right now.

I inhabit

This universe

Everywhere here

Eternally now.

Infinitesimal

Speck

Infinite

Scope

Goofy

Grand

Mystery

I am.

 Seeing  I

Old stories

Of threat and woe

Distort my vision,

And off I go

Projecting pain

Reacting fast

My swirling head

Prisoned in past.

Breathe slow, my boy.

Open your eyes.

See what's real.

Don't buy the lies.

Stay here, my man.

Shed the disguise.

Your space is vast.

Remember true size.

Love Human and Divine

       In preparation for a recent Richard Moss retreat focusing on The Lover's Journey and at the recommendation of a friend and colleague (thanks, Susan), I re-read parts of the book, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, by Jungian analyst, Robert Johnson.  Although it was written almost 30 years ago, I'm amazed by how pertinent it still feels to me.  Here are some passages from the book that I hope you enjoy.  

       By the way, I believe that what he says applies to both men and women.

       "Romantic love is an unholy muddle of two holy loves.  One is "divine" love:  It is our natural urge toward the inner world, the soul's love of God.  The other is "human" love, which is our love for people – flesh-and-blood human beings.  Both of these loves are valid; both are necessary.  But by some trick of psychological evolution our culture has muddled the two loves in the potion of romantic love and nearly lost them both."  (p. 131)

       "The great flaw in romantic love is that it seeks one love but forgets the other."  (p. 138)

       "A voice within each man insists fervently that it is a wonderful thing to search forever for the perfect idealized feminine, rather than settle for the flesh-and-blood woman that real life has put into his arms…. When a flesh-and-blood, mortal human appears in a man's life who offers him love and relatedness, he ends in rejecting her because she can't measure up to the idealized perfection who can only live in his inner mind." (P. 129)

       "One of the great paradoxes in romantic love is that it never produces human relationship as long as it stays romantic.  It produces drama, daring adventures, wondrous, intense love scenes, jealousies, and betrayals; but people never seem to settle into relationship with each other as flesh-and-blood human beings until they are out of the romantic love stage, until they love each other instead of being in love."  (p. 133)

Sensational Friendship

Make room, James.

Make room for what you feel

For what you want

For who you are.

Make room, James.

Make room for what she feels

For what she wants

For what she stirs in you.

Make room for life, James.

Inside you, there's ample space

For heartache and joy.

No danger, don't run.

Breathe into your belly.

Breathe into your heart.

Let breath hold you in its

Compassionate expanse.

Hold tenderly this body.

All that it feels

Is simply sensation.

Be a sensational friend.

Mastery

      Apparently, it takes about 10,000 hours of practice to achieve mastery in any endeavor.  In appreciation of this finding, Richard Moss concludes that we are all Masters of Ego.  Well before age 10, we earn our ME degrees, working day and night, developing and refining stories about "me" – me in the past, me in the future, me in relationship to others and to life itself. 

       We tend to repeat the same old stories, hanging onto an internal consistency, keeping our worlds familiar, living the old punch line:  "It's my story and I'm sticking to it."

       No wonder, then, it takes more than one profound experience of awakening to achieve Mastery of Presence, the art of living fully in the now.  While an awakening points us in the direction of presence, it takes 10,000 hours of practicing mindful awareness, to get us there on a regular basis – 10,000 hours of hard work, noticing when we're in story and bringing ourselves back to the present, over and over again.  Practice, practice, practice – building what Richard calls "spiritual muscle". 

       With practice, we find freshness and aliveness in each moment.  Presence becomes more natural and habitual.  We inhabit our bodies, comfortable in our own skin.  We routinely show up, pay attention, tell the truth and let go of outcome.  The now becomes home.

       At the rate of an hour a day, it takes about 28 years to achieve mastery.  I have an ME degree.  I'm still working on my MP. 

Relational Dancing

       I often tell the folks I see that whoever invented relationships must have a sense of humor. 

       For example, it seems that whatever we do to protect ourselves in a primary love relationship is precisely what pushes our partners' buttons – and vice versa.  Let's say one partner criticizes, as a protection strategy, and the other withdraws.  It's likely that the withdrawal is just as difficult for the one who criticizes as the criticism is for the one who withdraws.

       In similar fashion, we seem astutely able at times to withhold from our partners exactly what they need.  Psychologist and relationship counselor, David Schnarch, refers to this phenomenon as "marital sadism", a natural expression of the anger and resentment present in most marriages. 

       While I see evidence for his point of view, I'm more likely to view the withholding as a way of signaling our partners – with varying levels of awareness – that we're unhappy about something that's occurring or not occurring in the relationship.  Of course, as both parties engage in these signaling strategies, each waiting for the other to budge, a painful standoff ensues.

       In a more recent view that I'm coming to appreciate and adopt, spiritually-oriented writers describe this withholding as a well-disguised gift – an invitation from life, through our partners, for us to face and heal old wounds, realize wholeness and stop searching "out there" for something already "in here."  As Richard Moss wisely puts it, "We are, already, that which we seek."

       Regardless of one's perspective on this aspect of relationship, the intimate dance is definitely mysterious and maddening at times, goofy and complex.  Our patterns are well practiced, and yet we keep dancing – discovering, over time, unexpected delights, opportunities for growth and new ways to boogie.

Inner Nutrition

       Tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, and sugar:  when I ingest even small quantities of these substances, my body registers the insult and lets me know about it – except sometimes it gives me a little slack when it comes to sugar. 

       Nutrition is not news. For years, we've been hearing about what foods are good for us and what foods are not so good.  I get it, especially as I age:  it's important to eat what truly nourishes and avoid the other stuff.

       Lately, I've been paying more attention to the effects of, not just what I eat, but what I ingest into psyche and spirit.  TV shows, murder mystery novels, football games, news casts and action movies.  While I'm drawn to the excitement of the drama, afterwards I'm often left with a hollow feeling, a gray-darkness inside.  I know I haven't been nourished.

       Then there are the interior dramas – the ones totally taking place between my ears – stories of woe and unworthiness, danger, betrayal, rejection and ruptured relationship, imaginary conversations as I rehearse for the worst, and the ubiquitous negative commentary of the inner judge.  I once thought these were relatively harmless pastimes, almost like a form of entertainment.  But they're not.

       More and more, as I sit with myself and others, I see how these fictions do real damage to us physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Their repetition creates toxic inner pathways that capture us with ever greater ease.  As the stories become more automatic and familiar for us, they start feeling real and affecting us as if they were real. 

       Not good food for the soul, these stories.  Definitely not nutritious.

       Mindfulness invites us to notice what nourishes us, to take seriously what harms us, and to consciously choose what thoughts we entertain and what thoughts we send packing.

       Like nutrition for the body, inner nutrition requires repetition – thousands of conscious choices in the moment to nurture the being entrusted to our care. 

       Bon appetit.